It's a special day, and one that I can't wait for to see my doctor. It's the end of the two-week no-work period prescribed to me.
AND I GOT IT! OH JOY!
I can't tell you how seriously boring and depressing those two weeks were - and so worrying. I can't bear to see my next two pay checks and what's left of my leave credits (what's gonna happen in January? IT WILL GO ON AS PLANNED, of course ☺)
My doctor wrote, in part:
"Although she is diagnosed to have ATB, she is fit to return to work as she is not considered to be contagious. She is still advised to have regular check-ups for monitoring purposes."
And gave an order for another x-ray in a fortnight. Sigh
But still... YAY! I'm back to the normal world again - red pee and all! :P
The past two days were blurs to me: of boredom and depression. I was so bored that my visit to the hospital for my last bit of sputum samples was a highlight for my day. I got invites for two events: one is my team's teambuilding in Antipolo, Rizal, in a resort overlooking the Metro, and the other, a dinner at the Adarna Food and Culture Restaurant in Quezon City, to raise funds for the victims of Violence Against Women and Children (VAWC). I did not go for one reason: I don't want them to catch the bacteria from me as I was currently on just day 4 of medications.
So, I did the other thing I could do: eat. I admit, I am a food lover, but I try, yes, I try, to cut down on junk foods, but still I love trying out new things and new food. And give me credit, please - I get full rather easily.
Not surprisingly, my boyfriend got frustrated with the Philippines. I couldn't blame him, but my feelings still got hurt.
Because in a way, I am like the Philippines. Both of us have afflictions that we have to fight.
I think, it's normal for someone like me to get depressed, but the thought of him turning his back on me is unbearable. In my mind, him wanting to give up on the Philippines is almost the same as him giving up on me: because right now, I'm not a healthy and whole woman, as he deserves it.
And what is more depressing is that I am one of the private citizens who speak up about our feelings especially on the corruption going on in our government. Our people has been taught over the centuries to suck it up and accept things as what they are, but I for one understood what Rizal wanted during his time: let the people be educated first so that they'd understand what's going on.
It's an uphill battle, as some people think that I am an idiot for being an activist, but I try my best, even if my voice is too small to be heard, because like a snowball, it can start as a little thing, but it can grow bigger and bigger until it's big enough to make a huge impact.
Alas, I went on him because of what he said. I honestly felt like I was Gabriela Silang, the wife of the Ilocos revolutionary leader, Diego Silang :)
You see, I am loyal to my country, and whatever bad things she might be in right now, she has a lot of good in her, too. And as her daughter, as a Filipina, it's also my duty to stand by what is right, to correct everything that's wrong in our society.
As much as I understand my boyfriend on his frustrations, I felt that I have to stand up for my country, too.
What I love about my boyfriend is that if we argue is that he listens to what I have to say (and I try my best to do the same, too. Really.), and he can readily admit if he's in the wrong. I also did something wrong, so, amanos lang. :)
I felt much better when we patched things up together. :)
I think the cloak of depression just don't completely disappear, so I turn into my favourite band, Queen.
I LOVE QUEEN. #FangirlAlert
I love their songs, they have a lot of genres during their time, so much colour in their harmony, vocal arrangement, lyrics, and everything in between. Freddie Mercury was fascinating to listen to, and so are the others. Even if John Deacon didn't sing, his bass runs were nothing short of fascinating, too. Listening to a Queen song is like looking through a prism.
(Ok, Arlene, that's enough and stop waxing lyrical on Queen...)
I turned on my player, starting with Brian May's Hammer To Fall.
It hit me on how this part suit how I am feeling:
What the hell we fighting for ? Ah, just surrender and it won't hurt at all You just got time to say your prayers Yeah, while you're waiting for the hammer, to hammer to fall
Sigh. Is it time for my hammer to fall?
The next song gave me the answer: (my player is set to shuffle and repeat)
And I heard Freddie Mercury all but shouted to me:
Don't let go
Don't lose your mystique
Wait a little longer
Tomorrow brings another feast
Don't let go
Don't lose your reputation
Thank God you're still alive
You're still in one piece
Hang on in there, don't lose your appetite
Hang on in there, forget the danger signs
Pray for that magical moment (straight ahead) and it will appear
Don't fight for lost emotions!
Wait for the sunrise
And everything will seem so clear
(Look straight ahead, look straight ahead!)
Hang on in there (hang on in there)
Hang on in there (hang on in there)
Your wish will be granted
All your problems will disappear
Don't be a fool
You haven't reached your peak
You got a fast car racing up inside you
Your life is incomplete
Hang on in there...
Hang there!
Pray for that magical moment and it will appear!
(Wait for that moment)
Wait for the sunrise...
(Ahhhhh...)
Just wait and see, and it will seem so clear
(duh duh bap bee dee bup bup bup, duh da dup dee da)
I saw my specialist, Dr. Pagcatipunan yesterday, just to keep track of my progress so far. I told him about the effects I'm having from the drug: reddish-orange pee, itchiness at some parts of my body, and feelings of flu - and he said that it's normal and should stabilise in the next few days.
With the medications on mind, I also asked him about taking BC pills, to help with my PCOS condition (and other things, hah) and he smiled a little and said, "by all means". Looks like my good doctor has a bit of naughtiness in him :D
I love the hospital: the people are so nice and professional, unlike some other private hospitals I've been in the past. The best bit is the hospital cafeteria, which turns out, is more than a hospital cafeteria.
It's called Healthy Bites, the best vegetarian restaurant in Manila. Wow, it's where I saw goodies like Vege-meat, Vege-Tocino (it's pork marinated in a sweet sauce normally served for breakfast), Korean laver (closely resembles Japanese nori sheets), whole wheat bread, fruit juices... the place was just amazing! I had gluten meatballs, and may I say, they taste almost like the same thing!
I then went on to have my sputum test, which I had a lot of trouble with. Since TB was caught early in me, I hardly had any coughs, nor phlegm, and certainly no weight loss (too bad!). May I say, my throat was so sore from trying to expel the needed specimen, and I think I sounded like a sick dog (or, a dog trying to be sick) during my efforts.
I know it'd cost me a lot, with the lab test, and the x-rays, and the consultations, but luckily, it was covered by Maxi-Care.
Later that night, I went and visited my grandma, to seek advice on how to tell my parents. I don't normally cry, but at that moment, I couldn't help it.
I got admonished by her.
She reminded me that I forgot to tell my troubles to God, and I really couldn't do it on my own, but if there's anyone who can help it's Him
I must admit, with everything that has happened for the past three years, I almost have turned away from the faith that I used to have. Now, I feel that there's still that glimmer, but I'm now too jaded by the people who run it...
But that's another story.
She advised me to pray, and just talk to Him, and she reminded me that I was lucky to have it caught early, and that I have the means to get well. Grandma also reminded me that God indeed challenges one but will also give the ways for one to overcome them.
Thank You Lord, for my wise and lovely Grandmother.
I feel that I have more strength to continue with my journey against tuberculosis.
I've started feeling Quadtab™'s effects: my pee turned red-orange, I feel itchy in some places, and I feel as if I caught the flu. I also tried to read other bloggers who are also battling TB - but alas, I found none. It's not surprising, because even in a country with a high TB incidence, it still has a stigma that anyone that catches it must be very poor, or drunkards (that's why they're called sunog-baga - lung burners - which describes basically what TB does to an affected lung)
Am I being brave publishing this? Well, I don't know. I publish this blog without anyone, aside from my boyfriend, knowing about this, but it still is under my Google account, so anybody could know it is me.
My boyfriend's words of love and encouragement help me a lot going through this. I am so lucky to have him, and in this wild and crazy world, I'd be utterly lost without him. (Please let me have this mushy moment. I feel so lucky for having him ☺)
For now, I'm taking this one step at a time. I still have a long way to go towards good health, and hopefully, I will be able to get it: for myself and for the one I love.
Actually, this is officially the start of my fight against this disease.
I didn't know when it started, but when I was a kid, my mom stopped me from borrowing a neighbor's melodica because their family has been affected by tuberculosis. A melodica looks like this:
For it to work, one has to blow through a pipe. Looking back, they shouldn't have let ANYONE but the owner use it, anyway. It was like using someone else's toothbrush.
Yech. (wipes mouth)
Fast Forward to 2013.
I work in a call centre, earn my own living, and am loved by a beautiful man.
Sure, I cannot be a Jeanne Napoles, but hey, life is not bad.
Until yesterday.
I was pulled out from work because of a letter from the company nurse asking if I can have another set of chest x rays due to 'suspicious densities'. I had it last year, too, after my APE so I thought: here we go again.
I went to the Adventist Hospital in Pasay City, and boy, that was quick. I got the results in only a few hours, and have booked an appointment with a Pulmonologist, Dr. Rodolfo Pacatipunan.
Warning bells began to ring when he asked me, "have you taken TB medications before?" And when I asked if I have it, he bluntly said, "Yes".
I burst into tears.
Millions of worrying thoughts began to invade my thoughts: my job, my salary, how much the medicines cost, my leave credits (I'm saving them for our holiday in a few weeks' time), and mostly, what will my parents say?
I admit, my parents are not the average touchy-feely sort. AND they're the sort to believe in pasma, too. During the instances when I have a shower after a day at work, they'd issue warnings about getting really sick, and burden them with caring for me. TB was not mentioned, but it was hinted at, very heavily.
And now that I DO have it, I can see them saying: I TOLD YOU SO.
Dr. Pagcatipunan then prescribed a two-week rest from work (there goes my leave credits!) and a medication that I will have to initially take for the next two months. He prescribed Quadtab ™ to me but assured me that it was caught early, hence the lack of symptoms. (I wished for the weight loss part, though. haha)
The first person I called was my boyfriend, and fresh tears sprung anew when I told him. He asked me a million questions about it, but he was very supportive of me, even if he was upset. It's really too bad for us to be miles apart in times like this - he is in the UK, I in the Philippines - but the sense of having someone care for you and NOT judge you is like a balm to my soul.
I went back to the office to sort things out - and to start my leave of absence. Our nurse, Josephine Suba RN, was another person who gave me assurance on this disease, that anyone could have had it, especially in the Philippines, and no, it's not the late nights or the after-work showers I used to have. It's just that my immune system was weakened enough to let TB get hold of my lung.
As of press time, the only people who know are my boyfriend, my doctor, the company nurse, and my team lead.
I found some articles from the web (Internet: the greatest thing since sliced bread, even more so.) that informed me well about this disease:
